So 2020 was a year.
Yep.
Anyway, who’s to say 2021 won’t be better? Things are certainly looking up in some areas. For one thing, the COVID vaccines have been developed, and are being administered. On the other hand, they’re currently being doled out at a bit of a snail’s pace—not to mention they’re expiring due to mismanagement and such.
So um…what else is on the board that could help us have a positive outlook on the next 365 days? For the sake of hyperbole, let’s say nothing. We are in a hellscape, and we must learn to embrace it. The world is slowly catching on fire. People are showing the various moral parts of them that are significantly lacking in integrity or empathy. Anarchy has become our only option for survival. Okay not really, but please let me dwell in my pessimism. It’s all I have left.
To help me cope with my unending anxieties of what the next year has in store for us, I decided to create expectations of the worst things that could happen in 2021. That way, I won’t be broken down in absolute despair before those events potentially arrive and bring society to a burning, screeching halt.
1. The Rapture
I really just wanted to get this one out of the way.
Look me in the proverbial eye, and tell me the chances of an apocalypse happening are nil. Okay, now shut up. With everything that’s happened in 2020, what with a never-before-seen stay at home order because of a deadly pandemic among other things, I would suggest never say never about a world-ending event that has been supposedly pre-ordained for the history of humanity. And no, I do not believe in cults. But yes, I do believe in the end of the world. It’s going to end one way or another, whether that be for spiritual or scientific reasons. Of course, I don’t know when it’ll happen or if it’ll happen anytime soon. But if it happens in 2021, I’d probably just be standing on my roof, saying “shocker” in a deadpan voice as the day of reckoning’s fires come to claim my body.
2. Kentucky Senator Mitch McConell Reveals Himself To Be An Immortal Vampire
Mitch McConell is a lot of things: old, blind enough to need prescription glasses, ugly hairdo, looks like a turtle, old. He’s also done a lot of questionable things, and has garnered ire from both political parties of the U.S government. The latest thing he’s done is block a proposed $2000 stimulus that would help alleviate those hurting from the pandemic. He’s often acted, if not exclusively, for the sake of his own and corporate special interests, and has done little to help the actual people in America that are in need. Also, as of this writing, he is 78 years old. And if Twitter is anything to go by, drones of people are unironically praying for his death.
So if it turns out that in 2021, he is revealed to be an immortal vampire, I would be absolutely disappointed. One, because that would mean he would never leave office unless miraculously voted out, and he would continue to be the politician he is today. Two, because that would shatter any cool or sexy concept I have of vampires. He would ruin the traditional image of the hot, debonair, gentlemanly vampire for me 100%, and I think we can all agree that that would be the greatest defeat of the year. I’m vomiting at the idea of it all. My breathing is getting uneven just thinking about this possibility. To think a vampire looked like some grotesque cross-breed of a human and turtle with the moral integrity of a Scrooge pre-haunting? Horrifying.
3. A Boring Film Wins Best Picture at the Academy Awards
One of the few positive highlights of 2020 was Korean director Bong Joon-ho’s film Parasite winning best picture at the Oscars. Not only was this a pioneering benchmark for Asian cinema, it was a win for Asian representation across the entire film industry. Following this, I’d like to think my anxieties about another film like Crash or Green Book winning best picture again are valid. Those films explored tired themes with no particular introspection or depth to them. They weren’t anything special compared to what Parasite did even just at a storytelling level. I’d rather see more films that break the barriers of tired tropes that make stories feel shallow. Although with films being directly shown through streaming due to this year’s limitations—and just the fact that the marketing campaigns for these films will be a bit awkward—I am afraid we might revert back to the likes of The Help or something. Whatever the case, I will always feel the need to take the Academy’s judgment with a grain of salt.
4. My Next Hook-Up
Hook-up culture has evolved into a weird mess of rules and regulations in lieu of the COVID virus ravaging our bodies. There are certainly people being as safe and cautious as possible. There are also people who are throwing caution to the wind, and some have definitely contracted the virus at the cost of an orgasm.
I have not hooked up or had any sort of sexual encounter during this entire pandemic—mainly just to avoid any risk of catching the bug that’s going around. Of course, what that means post-pandemic is I’ll probably go bat shit insane with someone worth doing it with. And knowing myself, it’s going to end in disaster one way or another—which isn’t always a bad thing! I’ll have more traumatic stories to tell. At the end of the day, that’s what really matters.
5. 2021 Will Be Equally Bad if Not Worse Than 2020
Here’s an abstract thought. Why bother predicting anything that’ll happen in 2021? Just assume the worst. Murder hornets last year? Murder kangaroos this year. Australia catching unrelenting fire? North America gets wiped off the face of the earth after a simultaneous earthquake, tsunami, and forest fire. Your favorite celebrity said something problematic and got cancelled? They continue to say horrible things and have no regrets being terrible. The possibilities are endless. It makes me want to curl up in bed and listen to “Perfect Places” by Lorde.
Sigh
Have a happy new year everyone. Despite my trying to make comedic light of the potential doom and gloom that the next year might bring, that doesn’t make the anxiety of it all any less serious. At the end of the day, I truly hope we have a better year than this hell on earth we’ve had. Here’s to 2021. May it come into our lives with the grace of something like…I don’t know…the strong economic growth The U.S. had during the Clinton administration. Or something.
The Dang Void 